Parenting Surprises: Or What Being a Mom Has Taught Me (So Far)

So, blog-fans, it's time for me to start writing my next book, and what could be more appropriate (and best-selling!) than a book on Parenting! I can see my new hardcover now--the dustjacket will have a photo of me sitting in my rocking chair with a faint halo around my graying head, holding flowers and a card or some such thing. I think the title

should  be...let's see..."They Shall Rise Up and Call Her Blessed: How to Raise Children Who Adore You." Yep. And the back flyleaf of the dustjacket will read,

 "Carla lives with her husband, 2 cats, 3 rats, 5 fish, 6 hissing cockroaches and a bunch of bumming porch squirrels near Washington D.C. She has four beautiful, successful children who worship the ground she walks on  and thank God every day for the lessons she instilled in them from infancy."

They will not be allowed to contribute any quotes at all, of course. Some things are best left unsaid.

I am highly qualified to give advice.  I and my husband have managed to reproduce ourselves four times. That alone should give me instant gravitas (right? right??) They truly are miracles, each and every one--I have had Type 1 Diabetes since young adulthood, and having children was a task usually left to healthier women. God saw me through four amazingly healthy pregnancies and deliveries despite my poor obedience to very intrusive doctors (and a few strangers with lots of advice). They are all now 21 years and up, which makes me an "older mother," I believe. And all older mothers can tell you what to do with yourself and your children. It's a Parenting Right.

And none of my kids are in jail or in the National Enquirer (yet).

I guess technically the following is not exactly advice per se. You'll have to just kinda suck the marrow out of the bones, so to speak. (I do so love a good metaphor...)

This list is dedicated to my children--you know who you are, and you know how much I love you.

I was surprised to find out...

• That I'd have to say "calm down...you'll be fine..." so often. Each kid has different frustration levels, but from skinned knees to bullies to bad job interviews, life throws so many problems at them-- I didn't know how hard it would be to help them deal with that. I'm philosophically opposed to difficulty. It just should not BE there. I understand that. I agree that stamping your feet and screaming feels good in these situations, but may not be acceptable in front of a board meeting.

• That I needed to tell myself the same thing a LOT.

• That I'd develop a whole new taste in music. My kids run scared thinking I'll like something they like. I'm stalking them by listening to their IPods. And when they hear me play the same thing on Pandora, they kinda panic. "Oh, no...Mom's listening to [name a current group or person]. Can't be cool any more."

• That I'd be able to stay up all night very, very often, and not self-destruct the next day. Walking a colicky baby, helping with overdue school projects, taking care of sick pets,  having heart palpitations from their adult problems... I am finally realizing it doesn't mean the next day is lost. Just a little woozy

• That it would make me fall in love with my husband all over again. Watching him cuddle the baby, cheer for his boys at a baseball game, tutor a frustrated daughter through a math assignment, discuss the theology of everyday life with my young adults and their friends--he shows me continually what self sacrifice looks like and what a real man is. AND I enjoy flirting with him in front of the kids to see them all squirm. 

• That is would make me fatter than I ever imagined I could be. My baby belly came and stayed. I should include it in the family album. It's become like a 7th family member.

• That I'd never regret missing a career I never could pin down anyway. (Cowgirl...actress...forest ranger...oh, well...)

• That I'd pass on the strangest likes and dislikes. They (mostly) don't like nuts, coconut, lemon, reality shows and shoe shopping. They (mostly) like odd animals like rats and snakes, thrift store-ing and old movies. I'm hoping they also like honesty, consistency, family, faith and tradition. Time will tell.

• That they all think I'm kinda funny. "Oh, mom...you are so spontaneous [smirk]." (I have to be careful not to let them see me dance. Only in the kitchen when EVERYONE is somewhere else.)

• That kids really can learn to want to please me; and how much it hurts them when I'm not pleased. The power of my disapproval is much stronger than I realize. I need to wield it carefully. With great power comes great responsibility. (yeah, Spiderman!)

• That each child has their own communication style. Some want to talk to you every day and share their news. Others are fine just touching base every few weeks--just to make sure you are still there and still love them. And it's all ok. The love cord stays tight and strong if there is trust between you. The key is to restrain myself from harassing the less-communicative ones--it results in  communicating even less. I just request that they drop me a postcard when they get married. 

• That sometimes your kid will make more money than you right out of the gate. Somehow it doesn't seem fair...I just always warn them that I'll be coming for a loan soon.

• That someone else's kid will always be more successful in school, more good-looking, more popular, more successful in their career. It's annoying. But no one else's kid will make you prouder than your own. Even when all they get are "Participant" ribbons.

• That I'd never win any awards for this mothering thing. Come to think of it, I'd like a nice, big "Participant" ribbon for even attempting this whole business. Oh, wait a minute. Come to think of it, I do have this mug...

Old Woman Suddenly Becomes Trendy Again--Details at 7

Yes--I am now on the cutting edge of fashion and social trends.

 There is a rap song currently making the rounds called "Thrift Shop" that my kids directed me to...and what a revelation! I understand that it has been around since last summer, but as usual, I am late to the game (I pride myself on being a "late adapter"). I and my family have been hard-core Thrift Store connoisseurs every since 1981; please check out my previous post on "A Thrift Store Christmas" to see first-hand the evidence that I am way ahead of this trend, dudes and dudettes. (Oh--and for that matter, the setting of the post "Mom Misadventures #1.") Here's the "artiste" author Macklemore commenting on his creation...

 "Rappers talk about, oh I buy this and I buy that, and I spend this much money and I make it rain, and this type of champagne and painting the club, and this is the kind of record that's the exact opposite," he explained. "It's the polar opposite of it. It's kind of standing for like let's save some money, let's keep some money away, let's spend as little as possible and look as fresh as possible at the same time."

Well, I'm sorry, young man, but we've been down with that whole world view for years already. Welcome to our universe.

Here, set forth for your enjoyment, are the lyrics (slightly altered for more sensitive souls)--


Thrift Shop Rap (by Macklemore and Lewis) 

What, what, what, what, what....

I’m gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket
I, I, I’m hunting,
 lookin’ for a
come-up
This is [most tremendously] awesome.

Walk into the club like what up, [I am very excited!]
I’m so pumped, I bought some [interesting things] from a thrift shop
Ice in the fridge is so [SO] frosty,
The people like “[Wow], that’s a cold [trendy white person]."
Rollin’ in [very] deep, headed to the mezzanine
Dressed in all pink, except my gator shoes, those are green.
Draped in a leopard mink girls standin’ next to me
Probably should have washed this, it smells like [something not desirable]
Pissssssssssssss.
But [doggone it], it was 99 cents.
If I get caught in it, washin’ it,
‘Bout to go and get some compliments passin’ off in those moccasins
Someone else has been walkin’ in, but me and grungie [really styling] ‘em
I am stuck in a closet and savin’ my money 
And I’m [awfully terribly] happy, that’s a bargain, [young lady.] 

Imma take it grandpa style, imma take it grandpa style,
No, for real I asked your grandpa, can I have his hand-me-downs?
Velour suit and some house slippers,
[Strangely] brown leather jacket that I found diggin’.
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a ski blanket, then I bought an kneeboard.
Hello, hello, my ace man, my mello
John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my friends game,
Hello!
I can take some pro wings make ‘em cool, sell those

The sneaker heads will be like 
“Ah he got the Velcro!"

I’m gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket
I, I, I’m hunting, lookin’ for a come-up
This is [breathtakingly] awesome. 

What??? [that's my own "what." I like to write rap lyrics sometimes.]

FURTHER COOLNESS FACTOR...

And really now...Michelle and her bangs. Well, I've been rockin' those babies since grade school! Haven't failed me yet. She only WISHES she had been on it sooner when she saw my fashion trajectory.

Yo, world at large! Keep an eye on THIS momma! She's the one setting the trends from now on! (Prepare for "book piles" as home fashion accessories, and "baggy at the knees" sweatpants on the red carpet at the Oscars.)

Breaking Up is So Easy to Do: Dating Tips #2

I know, it's been a while. How's the dating life going, all? Need more help?

I've been reflecting on the role that "breaking up" had in my dating history. I wonder if my experiences could be of any help to anyone else, seeing as how I apparently am the "Break-Up Queen," according to my long-suffering husband. Oh, well. Helpful or not, I gotta write something or turn in my Blogger card. (If it ever comes in the mail...)

Breakup Method 1-- "Ignore them long enough, and they'll go away."

A time honored tradition, at least for me, was 'evasion.'. My habit was--find a guy. Develop a crush. Hang around long enough to provoke his interest. If interest continued for longer than a week, get cold feet. Run away.

I only practiced this a couple times in high school. Then I got to college, and pretty immediately my future husband was in line for the Treatment. Except I skipped the 'develop a crush part'--he was the one instantly smitten (I'm pretty sure he'd say that if I asked politely).  I just felt obligated to say "yes" to a date, because my mom had always lectured me about "giving a guy a chance no matter how uninteresting he seems at first." (Snore.)  After that first date (which was AMAZING for him, I'm sure, and according to me, not so much), I was feverishly ducking him--which is pretty tricky on a small college campus with only 700 students. How many corners did that campus possess? I believe about 6000, and I hid around every single one of them until FINALLY, after several months, the man wandered off in frustration and confusion.

Which of course meant I grew gradually interested in dating him again. Yes, I'm evil. And he was persistent  We finally began to date in earnest (and in a few other places!) my second year on campus.


Breakup Method 2-- "I'm just not sure you're the one."

The summer rolled around. Away we went to our respective homes to work our respective summer jobs...and my eye began to wander. Maybe there are other options, I mused. Maybe this other particular guy is more exciting, more dynamic, and a tad cuter? Who am I to be tied down right now--I'm young, I'm still searching for my true self...

It's time for The Letter. (This is the Neolithic Age, when I had to put pen to paper and have my mail delivered by heliojet.) "Dear John--it's not you, it's me. I just think we perhaps aren't meant for each other...I need to pray over this...blah...blah...blah..." It was pathetic and ridiculous and not very nice. He replied with a polite but pained  letter which said, basically, "OK."

Back to college in the fall--and guess what?  The "other guy" is really unavailable, and this man is still there, still not angry at me, still sweet and understanding. AND he had all the same friends as I did. Will he take me back? You betcha! Sucka.

Breakup Method 3-- "You need to learn how to woo a woman."

I'm a ripe old age of 20 (maybe), and I know what a woman needs; what a woman wants. And she definitely wants a guy to spend every spare moment with her. Who cares if he has homework? Or works the late night shift at a factory? Or has to pay his school bills all on his own? Where's the ROMANCE?
"If you could just think about me more often...do little things for me...pick flowers along the roadside and lay them at my doorstep...say things to me that make my blood stir..." "Yes, dear." "Could you please sit up and look more awake?" "Yes, dear."


Methinks it's time to launch out and look for Mr. Darcy, don't you? "Maybe we just need to date other people."
 "Whatever you say, dear..."

After a few weeks of fruitless meandering about looking for alternatives, I corner him.

 "Mr. Darcy!" I cry. And he swallows it.





Method 4--"Wait! I didn't mean it!!"

To be honest, I don't know what precipitated the last breakup--it may have been the bad salami sandwich I had the night before. "Hey, I want to break up."      "Sheesh....OK. Whatever.""

One day later..."I'm BAAACK!"

"Listen...I really like you and all, but maybe we should give this a week."

"NOOOO!" (I've seen that other girl hanging around...I know what will happen if I wait even ONE day!!)

Any sane man at this point would have turned tail and run. But apparently my bewitching personality and spontaneity was enough to convince this gentle but abused soul to actually end up MARRYING me in the end.

Actual chart of our dating relationship

So, there you have it. The moral of the story? Find a guy that you just can't shake.  Not because he stalks you--big difference here!--but because you can't shake the conviction that he loves you enough to put up with you and your crazy ways. He'll have his own collection of eccentricities and foibles. But never forget that you, as a woman, are a strange and wonderful creature that will occasionally baffle the man in your life. He should be given credit for even trying to figure you out.

“Aravis also had many quarrels (and, I'm afraid even fights) with Cor, but they always made it up again: so that years later, when they were grown up they were so used to quarreling and making it up again that they got married so as to go on doing it more conveniently.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

"Perfect Marriage" Dating Tips #1

Apparently I really touched a nerve with my last post. It was pretty obvious from the crowds that showed up for our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" last week that all 6 of you needed a lot of help getting it together in the marriage department.

the milling throngs at the Perfect Marriage Retreat

I need to share one particularly touching moment that occurred during our 'Give Me Your Two Cents' dialogue hour with the audience. A sweet young woman who obviously needed a lot of guidance by the amount of hairspray she was using asked me, "Carla, just what should I be looking for in a man? I've been dating so many losers. Do you have any help for me?

You may remember from my initial posting on this blog that I am not a professional advice-giver. However, my heart was so wrenched at seeing this dear girl's mascara running in rivulets towards the floor over her downy cheeks that I made a promise to myself, my friends, my family, my nation and my God that I would do whatever it takes to prevent this tragedy from repeating. If you need my dating and marriage advice, by gum, I will give it.

DATING TIP #1

 First of all, you need to face what you are looking for in a man (I'm speaking to women here, of course...you guys are on your own, or just watch and learn). My big problem when first weighing candidates for a love interest was that I was looking for a "type." Here's one type:

Yes, I was in the market for a Mr. Darcy...a broody, dark and mysterious man that would stare at me gloomily from across the room, glare at me during social occasions and say things like "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”  And wear really cool cravats. 

And of course, if he actually looked like a young Colin Firth, the deal was sealed.

I never found my Darcy. The closest I got was finding really moody guys who complained about bad traffic on their way to work. I did NOT find that particularly sexy. 

In the end, what I got was...

Yes! Cheerful, happy, loving Mr. Bingley! 

And you know what? It turns out a Mr. Bingley is a whole lot easier to be married to than a Mr. Darcy, dozens of fan-fiction novels notwithstanding. They are open, trusting, polite to waitresses and servants, and they don't care if you are not landed gentry. Perhaps a little too forgiving of misbehaving friends and relatives, but all is forgiven when you realize they think you are the best thing that's happened to them since they won that chess tournament in high school..

Type Two Man I was in the market for...

The Bad Boy.

A man who would blast his way through any ridiculous circumstance he'd find himself in with a dashing combination of  finesse and over-the-top bravado, all the while flinging witticisms... "Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me."  You never know where he is, or who he's with...you just know he's HOT.

But you know who I really needed? 

Every woman should end up with a Wookie. Brave, loyal, strong, a great space-ship pilot (you can substitute  Mario Kart prowess here),  someone who doesn't waste words and races in to save the damsel in distress at a moment's notice.  And who knows how to grow a face-full when the need arises.

Obviously, this is just a starting point, ladies. Next time perhaps we can talk about WHERE you can find these Mr. Bingleys and Wookies who will make potential happiness-mates. In the meanwhile, keep the faith, and watch for that really good-looking guy's "wing man." He just might be your rescuing angel. 

(Here's a nice serious-type quotation for those of you who don't believe me.)

“It starts so young, and I'm angry about that. The garbage we're taught. About love, about what's "romantic." Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys--depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We don't know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.” 
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

So, Tell Me...How Do You Stay Married So Long?

31 years of connubial bliss. Yes, folks, it is possible to have a perfect marriage like ours. All this talk about how marriages are hard, how they take work, how you never can never achieve the heights...well, those people are just trying to sell you their book or get you to fork over lots of money for their "Marriage Excitement and Revival Conference" weekend. (Speaking of which...registration for the "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" will be opening up next week...early bird registration will get you half-price off the fee of $1000!)

The secret? You want the secret? Oh, sure...and for free, I suppose.

Well, OK. But realize that this is just the teaser. If you want the whole tamale, you'll need to sign up for our workshop at the Lanham Red Roof Inn (continental breakfast included!).

Here's just some of the inside scoop on how the two of us have achieved Zen-like levels of happiness and cooperation in this state of what some call "matrimony."

1. Our courtship was characterized by romance. Romance and breakups. Reconciliation and romance. And then breakups. And then reconciliation...breakup...romance and/or reconciliation  In other words--spontaneity. Very important for a fresh relationship.

2. Communication is key to a happy marriage. What I mean by this is that we talk constantly and do a pretty good job at pretending we are interested in what the other person is saying. I find that it takes hours in front of the mirror in my bathroom to get that look of  "My, that's fascinating! Tell me more about that conference on Calvinism you just came back from!" just right. But it's worth it when I see the faux enthusiasm my husband drums up over my blog.

3. We agreed we wanted four children. So we had four children. We wanted two boys and two girls. And a horse. (OK, I guess it was me who wanted the horse.) So we had two boys and two girls (but no horse). See how that works? You MUST agree on what you want.

4. Four children are important because you each need someone to go on the rides with at Disney World. We agreed on that.

5. We never took our kids to Disney World. (shhh....I think I just heard sirens....it's the PARENTING COPS! They'll never take me alive...TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!)

6. OK, I think I'm getting off topic here...let's try again...

7. Money is a huge issue in marriage. Even bigger than sex. If you have more sex than money, though, things work out. Try it.

8. The couple that prays together stays together. Only, when you marry a theology professor, it gets complicated. After getting corrected about my views on supralapsarianism a few too many times during "couples devotions,"  I decided it's better to pray in private. I let him do his thing, and I do mine. I pray for him to see things my way.

9.  Celebrations are key to a happy spousal condition. Celebrate not only big days like birthdays and anniversaries, but little things...like that fact that you really DIDN'T flush your car keys down the toilet at the gas station after all. And that you caught that guy in the garage before he stole anything. And that your Windstar van still has a working glove compartment after all these years. Celebrations can be as lavish as a four-course dinner at your favorite restaurant, or  as simple as watching the sun go down together from the impound lot as you wait for your car to be released.

10. And finally (actually, NOT finally! There's more! So MUCH more if you come to our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat!" Sign up now!!)...I said FINALLY...

     Tell your spouse you love them every day. Preferably several times a day. Call them early in the morning when they are away at a conference. Then late at night. Text them during their business meetings. Leave them notes in their car, in their sandwich you pack for their lunch, in their wallet, on their rear view mirror, in their shoe, stuffed in their coat sleeves, under their windshield wiper. And then, leave long, rambling intimate phone messages on their business line. Nothing is too good for your spouse. Hire someone to keep an eye on them when you can't be there. Not that you don't trust them...I didn't say that...it's just that, you know. You can't be everywhere at once! And they need to KNOW you love them!

Well, I realize this is just too, too tantalizing, and you will be lining up outside the doors of the Mark Sanford Conference room at the motel next week in eager anticipation of MORE helpful hints from us. Have your Perfect Marriage notebooks all primed and ready--see you there!

Pull'm Up, Cover'm Up, Bring'm Down!

 A few months ago I ran across an article in our local neighborhood paper that struck me with its unique angle on a perplexing problem. We have lived in urban neighborhoods for most of our married lives, and this particular habit on the part of young males is admittedly something my generation would never have dreamed of, with our broad white belts and bellbottoms. Yes...I'm talking about the dreaded Droopy Pants Syndrome.

As part of the first Pull ‘Em Up campaign, the Take Charge Foundation program is leading a belt drive at 13 locations across the county where people can donate new or gently used belts that will be used to make students’ pants sit at their waists.

Take Charge Executive Director Jerrod Mustaf said the goal of the belt drive is to “modify the culture of young people who believe it’s cool to wear the pants that are sagging.” 

Now, when my boys were little, we occasionally had this problem because they tended not to develop a waist very early in life. A little 'plumber's crack' was always a lurking danger for them as they clambered up and down play equipment--but face it--that was kinda cute, right? Fat little bottoms--cheeky little things--

I digress. The "Pull'm Up" campaign in our local county has been collecting belts to distribute to young men who apparently cannot afford to buy a proper pair of suspenders for their oversize jeans. They don't have a lot of cash left over after laying out a couple hundred bucks for the newest Jordans, you know. OK, maybe the belt thing is just a symbol...but really--can you imagine the reaction from a teenager to having some old  guy or woman hand them a belt and beg them to "pull those pants up!" ? I don't know...it just seems to my feeble mind that the reason they do this is because

IT BUGS THE OLD PEOPLE!!

Personally, I'm just grateful they wear boxers under their pants, or things would be a whole lot scarier out there.

So--in honor of this Noble Drive to Improve Humanity, I set before you two new initiatives that I will  personally be heading up.

1. "Cover'm Up!"

It has come to my attention that many women (sadly, even from my own generation) cannot seem to afford enough material to cover their 'womanly assets' on top, if you catch my drift. The tragedy of over-filled blouses is causing me great pain, and I am hoping to be able to fill some of this need by taking up a collection of dickeys (remember them? anybody??). I feel every woman should have access to quality dickeys (mock turtlenecks, polo collars, etc.) and use them whenever the circumstances demand MORE MATERIAL.


Also acceptable is a nice lace handkerchief safety-pinned discreetly in place.





2. "Bring'm Down!"

My heart is heavy for the multitudes of young women who are so destitute that they are unable to afford dresses long enough to cover their posterior regions. Will you join with me in a heart-felt drive to give these poor children several inches of material that they can attach to the bottom edges of their insubstantial skirts? The thermal chills experienced by these dear waifs is unimaginable to those of us with our generous clothing allowances. Will you help? Will you personally take charge of one of these young, sweet things and volunteer to sew on 3 or 4 inches of life-saving cotton blend? Your intervention could save a life.



Please don't think of me as a hero. I'm just an everyday citizen who cares. Will you join me in my fight for a Warmer America,? When all of us pull together, we can raise (and lower) great things!

My Leaky Bucket List

During our nightly family chatter around the supper table recently,  I had a brainwave.


"You know, I've never been in a fistfight. I wonder what it feels like to punch someone? Does it really sound like 'thwack?' Does it hurt your fist--I think it has to. Does it  'crunch,' or only if you break a nose?"

"Sounds like a Bucket List item, mom," said one of my girls. "Start a Fight Club!"

The Fight Club idea was tempting, but I think there are a few other activities rolling around in my mind that might take priority. I have a feeling they have evolved from where I was at 20 years ago. Like--back then, one of my goals would be to raise 4 perfect children. Check. All done with that. I just had to amend that one a little ("raise four perfect  children").

So now, safely limping into my 50's, here is my carefully thought-through set of lofty goals that I'd like to achieve before I die:

Carla's Bucket List:

1 Once, just once, I'd like to go skinny dipping. An all-points bulletin would need to be issued to warn all possible passers-by, because if you even DARE to peek, I will scream bloody murder.

2. I want to ride a cow Not a bucking bull, just a nice, slow moo-cow.

3. I would like my husband to introduce me as his "arm-candy" in a formal party situation.

4. I would like to jump out of an airplane. Preferably with a parachute attached And another person attached, as well. If I'm gonna die, it's not gonna be alone.

5. I would like Brad Pitt to follow my blog. Not that I have a thing for him or anything.

6. I realized today there is not one single famous person I really would like to meet or have dinner with (including Brad Pitt, surprisingly enough). What is wrong with me? OK--I've changed my mind...I'd like to eat dinner with Flipper. Is he still alive?

7. I want all my children to rise up and call me "Blessed" (Proverbs 31:28).  Literally. During a large public celebration of the day of my birth, accompanied by the London Symphony Orchestra. I don't ask for much; if they aren't available, I'll go with the St. Olaf Choir.

8. I have never gone down-hill skiing. It looks like fun, but I'm afraid of hitting a tree and splitting my skull open. Is there some way I could do tandem skiing? Maybe be pulled in a sled behind a skier? Ride on their shoulders? I don't know...someone could make a lot of money figuring this out, I'm willing to bet.


9. I want to play "Auntie Mame" on Broadway.

10. And finally--to top it all off--I want to gallop bareback on  a black stallion along a Carribean beach as the sun sets, then do an elegant leaping dismount at a bonfire cookout that lasts all night. All this presumes that I can stay on the horse for longer than 5 minutes. I see creative use of Velcro here.

Seriously, though, lately I have been feeling rather "done" with life. I don't foresee any Bucket List items being fulfilled right now. I know that sounds Debby-Downer like, but I'm not looking for sympathy here. I just am somehow convinced that whatever I was put here to do is pretty much done, and now I'm just waiting around for the curtain to drop. Perhaps this is the "empty nest" syndrome I am sick of hearing about. But my nest isn't totally empty--it still has two very large baby birds in it flapping around and trying to act like full-grown eagles. But be truthful--they don't need me to regurgitate  fish for them anymore and put it in their mouths. (OK, I'll quit with this analogy now that it is getting disgusting.)



If you start lecturing me about how "this is the most beautiful time of your life!" I will very kindly send you to your room without supper and ground you for a year. It is NOT beautiful--it is a difficult, stress-inducing thing to realize you are getting old and "non-bouncy." It is easy to get cynical after spending years doing the "right thing," and then realize you are facing possible unemployment just when you really would like to be planning your retirement.

I was feeling so whiny and self-centered last week that I just had to spend some time reading Ecclesiastes (that book of the Old Testament with King Solomon droning on and on about "futility"). It's funny how reading someone else say "woe is me" over and over can actually bring a person out of a funk. Maybe it's because, as the  C.S. Lewis-attributed quip says, "We read so we know we are not alone." I was struck by how many times Solomon told me to just back off from my introspection and be 'simple.'. "Behold, that which I have seen to be good and proper is for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy good in all his labor, in which he labors under the sun, all the days of his life which God has given him; for this is his portion (5:18)."

So...for right now I think I will bake a loaf of bread, break out some Diet Dr. Pepper and re-trench. We don't know how long we have, and we have really no concept of what our lives mean to others. Our struggles with our own narcissistic selves will keep us busy as we try to see what God sees in the Big Picture.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and do good while they live. (Ecc. 3:11,12)