So, Tell Me...How Do You Stay Married So Long?

31 years of connubial bliss. Yes, folks, it is possible to have a perfect marriage like ours. All this talk about how marriages are hard, how they take work, how you never can never achieve the heights...well, those people are just trying to sell you their book or get you to fork over lots of money for their "Marriage Excitement and Revival Conference" weekend. (Speaking of which...registration for the "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" will be opening up next week...early bird registration will get you half-price off the fee of $1000!)

The secret? You want the secret? Oh, sure...and for free, I suppose.

Well, OK. But realize that this is just the teaser. If you want the whole tamale, you'll need to sign up for our workshop at the Lanham Red Roof Inn (continental breakfast included!).

Here's just some of the inside scoop on how the two of us have achieved Zen-like levels of happiness and cooperation in this state of what some call "matrimony."

1. Our courtship was characterized by romance. Romance and breakups. Reconciliation and romance. And then breakups. And then reconciliation...breakup...romance and/or reconciliation  In other words--spontaneity. Very important for a fresh relationship.

2. Communication is key to a happy marriage. What I mean by this is that we talk constantly and do a pretty good job at pretending we are interested in what the other person is saying. I find that it takes hours in front of the mirror in my bathroom to get that look of  "My, that's fascinating! Tell me more about that conference on Calvinism you just came back from!" just right. But it's worth it when I see the faux enthusiasm my husband drums up over my blog.

3. We agreed we wanted four children. So we had four children. We wanted two boys and two girls. And a horse. (OK, I guess it was me who wanted the horse.) So we had two boys and two girls (but no horse). See how that works? You MUST agree on what you want.

4. Four children are important because you each need someone to go on the rides with at Disney World. We agreed on that.

5. We never took our kids to Disney World. (shhh....I think I just heard sirens....it's the PARENTING COPS! They'll never take me alive...TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!)

6. OK, I think I'm getting off topic here...let's try again...

7. Money is a huge issue in marriage. Even bigger than sex. If you have more sex than money, though, things work out. Try it.

8. The couple that prays together stays together. Only, when you marry a theology professor, it gets complicated. After getting corrected about my views on supralapsarianism a few too many times during "couples devotions,"  I decided it's better to pray in private. I let him do his thing, and I do mine. I pray for him to see things my way.

9.  Celebrations are key to a happy spousal condition. Celebrate not only big days like birthdays and anniversaries, but little things...like that fact that you really DIDN'T flush your car keys down the toilet at the gas station after all. And that you caught that guy in the garage before he stole anything. And that your Windstar van still has a working glove compartment after all these years. Celebrations can be as lavish as a four-course dinner at your favorite restaurant, or  as simple as watching the sun go down together from the impound lot as you wait for your car to be released.

10. And finally (actually, NOT finally! There's more! So MUCH more if you come to our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat!" Sign up now!!)...I said FINALLY...

     Tell your spouse you love them every day. Preferably several times a day. Call them early in the morning when they are away at a conference. Then late at night. Text them during their business meetings. Leave them notes in their car, in their sandwich you pack for their lunch, in their wallet, on their rear view mirror, in their shoe, stuffed in their coat sleeves, under their windshield wiper. And then, leave long, rambling intimate phone messages on their business line. Nothing is too good for your spouse. Hire someone to keep an eye on them when you can't be there. Not that you don't trust them...I didn't say that...it's just that, you know. You can't be everywhere at once! And they need to KNOW you love them!

Well, I realize this is just too, too tantalizing, and you will be lining up outside the doors of the Mark Sanford Conference room at the motel next week in eager anticipation of MORE helpful hints from us. Have your Perfect Marriage notebooks all primed and ready--see you there!