25 Questions to Ask Your Mate on Date Night

My husband and I just celebrated (so, maybe more like "observed") our 33rd wedding anniversary recently. Yay! Congratulations to us!! Where have the years gone?

It got me thinking...there are a lot of semi-silly ideas out there floating around about how to keep your marriage either "hot," or "interesting," or "livable." One maybe not-so-silly proposal is the "date-night" tradition.  I have several young couple friends that like to tell me about how they take one night a week to "date," and I always nod my head agreeably while inwardly smirking at the sweet idealism...alright, if you are a young friend of mine, I NEVER INWARDLY SMIRK AT YOU...I'm just using poetic licence here, OK?

Because of all these young, romantic friends I am lucky enough to receive Facebook links that clue me in to "questions to ask your mate that start a great conversation!!!" Deep things like, "What was your biggest fear as a child?" "What's your favorite tree, and why?" and "If you could change one thing about your feet, what would it be?"

I am very sorry, but after 33 years you'd better come up with something better for me to ask than that. I have been with this man FAR TOO LONG to even CARE about his preference for oaks over pines.

So, for your consideration, here are---

25 questions to ask your mate on a date night (after you've been married for 30 years or more)

1.      What exactly was it that made you want to marry me again?
2.       How many of your socks do you think I've picked up off the bedroom floor in the last 30/35/40/years?
3.       What were you saying as you were drifting off to sleep last night...something about "mayonnaise" and "sheep dip?"
4.       By the way, your Aunt Agnes called again about the family reunion. Yeah, I know that’s not a question.
5.      What's the password for our Netflix account? 
6.       How old is our oldest child? Ok then, quick—what’s his birthday (WITH the year!)?
7.       What is that guy’s name on that show we watch on Tuesdays…you know…the one who was in that   movie we liked…you know…c’mon, help me out here….
8.       Where are my car keys?
9.       Have you seen the cat lately?
10.   Wow—has your hairline changed just recently, or are you just doing a comb-over now?
11.   What is your favorite meal that I cook? (you can choose between hamburgers and hot dogs.)
12.   Could you please start the grill?
13.   Why can’t I ever get my Facebook configuration figured out before they go changing it again?
14.   Do you remember the night we fell in love? No, not that one, the OTHER one!
15.   Could you see if my big toe looks infected?
16.   What kind of things do I do that bug you?
17.   You want to know what you do that bugs me? OK….forget it then.
18.   If we were stranded on a desert island and we could only bring along one living room chair, which one would you pick?
19.   Would you let me sit in it once in a while, or would you hog it most of the time and call it your “command chair?”
20.   Would you like a cup of  coffee?  No?  So, not grown up enough yet, huh? Hahaha…I  know how that annoys you…
21.   So, do you think I love you more than you love me?
22.   Or do you love me more than I love you?
23.   Does it matter?
24.   Why are you furrowing your brow at me?
25.   Are you hoping that this lasts for another 33 years? I sure am!  It’s a riot!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE!

Breaking Up is So Easy to Do: Dating Tips #2

I know, it's been a while. How's the dating life going, all? Need more help?

I've been reflecting on the role that "breaking up" had in my dating history. I wonder if my experiences could be of any help to anyone else, seeing as how I apparently am the "Break-Up Queen," according to my long-suffering husband. Oh, well. Helpful or not, I gotta write something or turn in my Blogger card. (If it ever comes in the mail...)

Breakup Method 1-- "Ignore them long enough, and they'll go away."

A time honored tradition, at least for me, was 'evasion.'. My habit was--find a guy. Develop a crush. Hang around long enough to provoke his interest. If interest continued for longer than a week, get cold feet. Run away.

I only practiced this a couple times in high school. Then I got to college, and pretty immediately my future husband was in line for the Treatment. Except I skipped the 'develop a crush part'--he was the one instantly smitten (I'm pretty sure he'd say that if I asked politely).  I just felt obligated to say "yes" to a date, because my mom had always lectured me about "giving a guy a chance no matter how uninteresting he seems at first." (Snore.)  After that first date (which was AMAZING for him, I'm sure, and according to me, not so much), I was feverishly ducking him--which is pretty tricky on a small college campus with only 700 students. How many corners did that campus possess? I believe about 6000, and I hid around every single one of them until FINALLY, after several months, the man wandered off in frustration and confusion.

Which of course meant I grew gradually interested in dating him again. Yes, I'm evil. And he was persistent  We finally began to date in earnest (and in a few other places!) my second year on campus.


Breakup Method 2-- "I'm just not sure you're the one."

The summer rolled around. Away we went to our respective homes to work our respective summer jobs...and my eye began to wander. Maybe there are other options, I mused. Maybe this other particular guy is more exciting, more dynamic, and a tad cuter? Who am I to be tied down right now--I'm young, I'm still searching for my true self...

It's time for The Letter. (This is the Neolithic Age, when I had to put pen to paper and have my mail delivered by heliojet.) "Dear John--it's not you, it's me. I just think we perhaps aren't meant for each other...I need to pray over this...blah...blah...blah..." It was pathetic and ridiculous and not very nice. He replied with a polite but pained  letter which said, basically, "OK."

Back to college in the fall--and guess what?  The "other guy" is really unavailable, and this man is still there, still not angry at me, still sweet and understanding. AND he had all the same friends as I did. Will he take me back? You betcha! Sucka.

Breakup Method 3-- "You need to learn how to woo a woman."

I'm a ripe old age of 20 (maybe), and I know what a woman needs; what a woman wants. And she definitely wants a guy to spend every spare moment with her. Who cares if he has homework? Or works the late night shift at a factory? Or has to pay his school bills all on his own? Where's the ROMANCE?
"If you could just think about me more often...do little things for me...pick flowers along the roadside and lay them at my doorstep...say things to me that make my blood stir..." "Yes, dear." "Could you please sit up and look more awake?" "Yes, dear."


Methinks it's time to launch out and look for Mr. Darcy, don't you? "Maybe we just need to date other people."
 "Whatever you say, dear..."

After a few weeks of fruitless meandering about looking for alternatives, I corner him.

 "Mr. Darcy!" I cry. And he swallows it.





Method 4--"Wait! I didn't mean it!!"

To be honest, I don't know what precipitated the last breakup--it may have been the bad salami sandwich I had the night before. "Hey, I want to break up."      "Sheesh....OK. Whatever.""

One day later..."I'm BAAACK!"

"Listen...I really like you and all, but maybe we should give this a week."

"NOOOO!" (I've seen that other girl hanging around...I know what will happen if I wait even ONE day!!)

Any sane man at this point would have turned tail and run. But apparently my bewitching personality and spontaneity was enough to convince this gentle but abused soul to actually end up MARRYING me in the end.

Actual chart of our dating relationship

So, there you have it. The moral of the story? Find a guy that you just can't shake.  Not because he stalks you--big difference here!--but because you can't shake the conviction that he loves you enough to put up with you and your crazy ways. He'll have his own collection of eccentricities and foibles. But never forget that you, as a woman, are a strange and wonderful creature that will occasionally baffle the man in your life. He should be given credit for even trying to figure you out.

“Aravis also had many quarrels (and, I'm afraid even fights) with Cor, but they always made it up again: so that years later, when they were grown up they were so used to quarreling and making it up again that they got married so as to go on doing it more conveniently.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

"Perfect Marriage" Dating Tips #1

Apparently I really touched a nerve with my last post. It was pretty obvious from the crowds that showed up for our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" last week that all 6 of you needed a lot of help getting it together in the marriage department.

the milling throngs at the Perfect Marriage Retreat

I need to share one particularly touching moment that occurred during our 'Give Me Your Two Cents' dialogue hour with the audience. A sweet young woman who obviously needed a lot of guidance by the amount of hairspray she was using asked me, "Carla, just what should I be looking for in a man? I've been dating so many losers. Do you have any help for me?

You may remember from my initial posting on this blog that I am not a professional advice-giver. However, my heart was so wrenched at seeing this dear girl's mascara running in rivulets towards the floor over her downy cheeks that I made a promise to myself, my friends, my family, my nation and my God that I would do whatever it takes to prevent this tragedy from repeating. If you need my dating and marriage advice, by gum, I will give it.

DATING TIP #1

 First of all, you need to face what you are looking for in a man (I'm speaking to women here, of course...you guys are on your own, or just watch and learn). My big problem when first weighing candidates for a love interest was that I was looking for a "type." Here's one type:

Yes, I was in the market for a Mr. Darcy...a broody, dark and mysterious man that would stare at me gloomily from across the room, glare at me during social occasions and say things like "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”  And wear really cool cravats. 

And of course, if he actually looked like a young Colin Firth, the deal was sealed.

I never found my Darcy. The closest I got was finding really moody guys who complained about bad traffic on their way to work. I did NOT find that particularly sexy. 

In the end, what I got was...

Yes! Cheerful, happy, loving Mr. Bingley! 

And you know what? It turns out a Mr. Bingley is a whole lot easier to be married to than a Mr. Darcy, dozens of fan-fiction novels notwithstanding. They are open, trusting, polite to waitresses and servants, and they don't care if you are not landed gentry. Perhaps a little too forgiving of misbehaving friends and relatives, but all is forgiven when you realize they think you are the best thing that's happened to them since they won that chess tournament in high school..

Type Two Man I was in the market for...

The Bad Boy.

A man who would blast his way through any ridiculous circumstance he'd find himself in with a dashing combination of  finesse and over-the-top bravado, all the while flinging witticisms... "Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me."  You never know where he is, or who he's with...you just know he's HOT.

But you know who I really needed? 

Every woman should end up with a Wookie. Brave, loyal, strong, a great space-ship pilot (you can substitute  Mario Kart prowess here),  someone who doesn't waste words and races in to save the damsel in distress at a moment's notice.  And who knows how to grow a face-full when the need arises.

Obviously, this is just a starting point, ladies. Next time perhaps we can talk about WHERE you can find these Mr. Bingleys and Wookies who will make potential happiness-mates. In the meanwhile, keep the faith, and watch for that really good-looking guy's "wing man." He just might be your rescuing angel. 

(Here's a nice serious-type quotation for those of you who don't believe me.)

“It starts so young, and I'm angry about that. The garbage we're taught. About love, about what's "romantic." Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys--depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We don't know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.” 
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

So, Tell Me...How Do You Stay Married So Long?

31 years of connubial bliss. Yes, folks, it is possible to have a perfect marriage like ours. All this talk about how marriages are hard, how they take work, how you never can never achieve the heights...well, those people are just trying to sell you their book or get you to fork over lots of money for their "Marriage Excitement and Revival Conference" weekend. (Speaking of which...registration for the "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" will be opening up next week...early bird registration will get you half-price off the fee of $1000!)

The secret? You want the secret? Oh, sure...and for free, I suppose.

Well, OK. But realize that this is just the teaser. If you want the whole tamale, you'll need to sign up for our workshop at the Lanham Red Roof Inn (continental breakfast included!).

Here's just some of the inside scoop on how the two of us have achieved Zen-like levels of happiness and cooperation in this state of what some call "matrimony."

1. Our courtship was characterized by romance. Romance and breakups. Reconciliation and romance. And then breakups. And then reconciliation...breakup...romance and/or reconciliation  In other words--spontaneity. Very important for a fresh relationship.

2. Communication is key to a happy marriage. What I mean by this is that we talk constantly and do a pretty good job at pretending we are interested in what the other person is saying. I find that it takes hours in front of the mirror in my bathroom to get that look of  "My, that's fascinating! Tell me more about that conference on Calvinism you just came back from!" just right. But it's worth it when I see the faux enthusiasm my husband drums up over my blog.

3. We agreed we wanted four children. So we had four children. We wanted two boys and two girls. And a horse. (OK, I guess it was me who wanted the horse.) So we had two boys and two girls (but no horse). See how that works? You MUST agree on what you want.

4. Four children are important because you each need someone to go on the rides with at Disney World. We agreed on that.

5. We never took our kids to Disney World. (shhh....I think I just heard sirens....it's the PARENTING COPS! They'll never take me alive...TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!)

6. OK, I think I'm getting off topic here...let's try again...

7. Money is a huge issue in marriage. Even bigger than sex. If you have more sex than money, though, things work out. Try it.

8. The couple that prays together stays together. Only, when you marry a theology professor, it gets complicated. After getting corrected about my views on supralapsarianism a few too many times during "couples devotions,"  I decided it's better to pray in private. I let him do his thing, and I do mine. I pray for him to see things my way.

9.  Celebrations are key to a happy spousal condition. Celebrate not only big days like birthdays and anniversaries, but little things...like that fact that you really DIDN'T flush your car keys down the toilet at the gas station after all. And that you caught that guy in the garage before he stole anything. And that your Windstar van still has a working glove compartment after all these years. Celebrations can be as lavish as a four-course dinner at your favorite restaurant, or  as simple as watching the sun go down together from the impound lot as you wait for your car to be released.

10. And finally (actually, NOT finally! There's more! So MUCH more if you come to our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat!" Sign up now!!)...I said FINALLY...

     Tell your spouse you love them every day. Preferably several times a day. Call them early in the morning when they are away at a conference. Then late at night. Text them during their business meetings. Leave them notes in their car, in their sandwich you pack for their lunch, in their wallet, on their rear view mirror, in their shoe, stuffed in their coat sleeves, under their windshield wiper. And then, leave long, rambling intimate phone messages on their business line. Nothing is too good for your spouse. Hire someone to keep an eye on them when you can't be there. Not that you don't trust them...I didn't say that...it's just that, you know. You can't be everywhere at once! And they need to KNOW you love them!

Well, I realize this is just too, too tantalizing, and you will be lining up outside the doors of the Mark Sanford Conference room at the motel next week in eager anticipation of MORE helpful hints from us. Have your Perfect Marriage notebooks all primed and ready--see you there!