How to Raise Genius Children the Patented Sanders Way

OK, it has been observed my many people that I have 4 of the smartest children on the planet. By many, I mean by my mother and by my children themselves. But I'm sure many of you out there who are blessed enough to know my kids would wholeheartedly agree (except, of course, for the fact that YOU probably think you have the smartest children in the world. Well, you are wrong.)

I know you must be wondering by now...Carla, what IS your secret? Just how did your offspring attain such dizzying heights of intellectual magnificence?

It's a secret for a reason. Do you think I want your litter of humans out there in the big world competing for jobs with mine??

I will, however, let you have just a GLIMPSE; a peripheral glance into the vast system that is--

THE SANDERS SYSTEM for RAISING
 INTELLECTUAL GENIUSES

1. Marry a smart guy

I had little hope of passing on much brain cell power unless I could reproduce with someone of superior fire-power, brain-wise. My husband passed a rigorous test before being chosen as my mate. SAT and ACT scores, GRE scores, all-night Scrabble tournaments and Dr. Who knowledge all factored in.

2. Read to them a lot--major on Dr. Seuss


I like to  read to them in a chair. I do not read them with a bear. Not with a rat, not with a mouse. I only read to them in a house. I like to read them here and there; I read out loud to them everywhere. Bear, rat, mouse, chair; books in our house are EVERYWHERE!!








3. Live in a neighborhood that sparks conversation

Ask any of my children about the benefits of low-cost housing in a major city, and they will respond by assailing you with stories of stolen wagons, house break-ins,  stolen cars, drunks in the driveway, drug dealers in the alley, bike jackings, citizens arrests of garage break-ins, zombie Satanist killers trying to come in the house on an early Sunday morning, gun shot holes in the window sill, muggings, and really interesting SWAT team activity in the neighboring homes.

"So...how was your day?"
"Ah, the usual. Had to call the cops again."
 "Cool. I got an A in math today."

See how that works?

3. Keep them isolated from "cool" people by dressing them in hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes

Who needs the pressure of cheerleader politics and jock culture put-downs? Stick with the proven gangs--chess club, math competitions, crossing guard duty, AV club--anywhere that Payless shoes are accepted attire. Sweatpants fit the bill. As well as haircuts done at 9 PM on a school night by mom in the kitchen.






4. Give them absolutely no privacy

All four of my children shared a bedroom until my youngest was 3 years old. One bunk bed for the boys, a roll-out mattress on the floor for the girls. Rolled up during the day and put in the closet so there was room for play. They spent nights chatting about math theory, theology and the merits of various Pokemon (Pikachu rules, am I right??).




5. Feed them the highest quality Guv'mnt food

The day my oldest son realized I'd been feeding him reconstituted dry milk with his meals all along was a sad and difficult day. I had to swear him to secrecy--"you must NOT reveal this to the other kids, or no more processed cheese for you!" I always hid the 'adult' milk (i.e. 'real') in the back of the refrigerator and didn't let them see me pour it for myself.

The dry egg mix was a real challenge--I usually tried to hide it in another form of food (not always successfully). The canned beef stew may have possibly ended up (I will not confirm this) in the cat's bowl on occasion. The peanut butter, on the other hand, was always consumed wholeheartedly, and contributed to everyone's brain development.

6. Send them to high-quality public schools

I did have a slight concern about a teacher showing "Jurassic Park" in science class, and really did wonder about why kids were feeling compelled to throw chairs at each other in another classroom. But for the most part I found that public education in the inner city held a unique advantage...if you actually got involved as a parent at the school, they would bend over backwards to try to accommodate you. It's especially important to get the crabby school secretary on your side. (I actually brought flowers to one of them. I know; suck-up. It was worth every penny that year.) The school also inadvertently taught my kids survival skills--first duck, then run. Only fight back if absolutely necessary, and PROTECT THOSE GLASSES! However, your place in the lunch-line is God-given. Don't back down on that.



Now, I have other theories about brain development, like how they ate the same homemade pizza every Friday night for years and years, and how they never got many vegetable variations because of my husband's irrational fear of green peppers. But I'll save them for my upcoming cookbook, "Cooking for Brain-Power on the US Government's Dime" (the sequel to my popular "Beans Comin' Out'cha Ears" cookbook published last year).