The Sanders Patented System for Driving Your Adult Children Crazy

I've been privileged to talk with several young friends lately who are dealing with the extraordinary challenges of  bringing up small children. I sense the panic in their voices and faces, and wish I could magically fast-forward their lives for them...kind of a "Ghost of Parenthood Future" vision where they could see themselves sitting at a dinner table, laughing and talking with their gawky yet amazing teenage kids and enjoying the fruits of their long-suffering discipline and instruction.

I have to say, teenagers are really fun to have around if you don't take them too seriously; and one of my favorite ways of keeping them humble and grounded was to embarrass them as often as possible. I don't mean in a horrible, demeaning bully way. I mean--"oh, man, look what my mom is doing (or saying) right now. I think I'm gonna die if anyone sees me with her!"

Things only get better as they enter young-adulthood, with semi-important job titles and friends they would really like to impress for business reasons. Suddenly your power of eye-roll induction triples or quadruples...who would have guessed it could be so intoxicating? A few examples to help you along...



1.  Joke-telling.

I really get a kick out of storytelling I love to tell jokes that I've heard or read. They tickle me to no end, but my memory isn't what it used to be. So I can normally either get the set-up, then trash the punch line...or I get the set-up all wrong so the punch line make absolutely no sense at all. "A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...oh, wait a minute...a priest, a RABBIT and a minister hop into a bar--yeah, that's it--" and about that time my kids are already groaning and begging me to stop while there is yet time.

2. Social Media

. I make sure to keep up with them on Facebook. And I mean REALLY keep up with them. I know...some of you parents out there are saying "Facebook? No way...it's just the government's way of tracking civilians so President Obama can take away our guns." C'mon, that's just silly. That's what Google is for. Facebook is for stalking your grown children and commenting on every status they post. When you get better at loading photos (rigghhhttt...photo-loading....you'll need to track down your grandchildren to help you with that), you can post pictures of your kids back in the day when they were cute, and would pose in lederhosen for you. It's important then to tell everyone how darling your child used to be, and how much you love him now that he's 27 and so MUCH cuter and sweeter and more available and why can't he get a date when he is so marvelous and there is something really wrong with young women today who just don't know a good man when they meet one.

3. Relationship Guessing

When meeting your grown children's friends, be sure to ask awkward questions about their personal lives. "So...are you two dating?" Or even better, "Are you two engaged?" To be honest, the last time I tried this (and I was wrong, as my son so firmly noted in a fiercely whispered aside), the couple in question actually ended up in a betrothed state not long after.So you see? I apparently have the power of Matchmaking. They should all be grateful instead of resentful.

4. Slang Usage

 I like to think of myself as young and "with-it." Although saying "with-it" apparently is not exactly "cool" right now (I'm not even so sure about "cool"). I try hard to stay abreast of current slang and use it in random ways around my kids; it helps them feel that their mom is "down with that, bruh." 'Cause that's how I roll. It's especially good when paired with my Facebook stati, since I'm killing two birds with one stone (being cool by being on FB and ALSO "keepin' it real" with my language skills. Excuse me. 'Skilz.') Oh, and don't forget to comment on their status, as well, with lots of "LOLs" and  an occasional "Fascinating story, homie."

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5. Technology

 I really like to believe that my computer skills (ok, 'skilz') aren't too bad. But why, oh why, do I have such trouble understanding the concept of "folders" and "documents" and "files" and "jpegs" etc. etc.? I spend half my life searching around in my computer for things that I distinctly remember typing in and storing in some manner, but that now appear to have vanished into unknown regions of my machine. The simple act of calling out to my children in the next room--"kids, I don't get it--did I put my file in a folder, or is the other way around? and why is this document look all weird when I cut and paste it from this one to this other place? How do upload this thing? What do you mean, 'download, not upload?' What difference does that make?"--this honest set of questions seem to elicit knuckle-clenching fury in my dearly beloved progeny. "How many TIMES do we have to explain this stuff to you!!!???" See? The power of ignorance wins again.

6. Foreign Language Experimentation 

I have only a rudimentary grasp of perhaps 2 languages (ok, 3 if you include English),  My high school German courses prepared me for important moments in my life, like asking whether the Post Office is open ("Ist die Post offen?" "Nein, sie ist am Sonntag geschlossen!") And I remember one really fun song about "Drei Chinesen Mit Dem Kontrabass" (3 Chinese with bass violins who sit on a the curb until a policeman comes and asks them what they are doing. "We are 3 Chinese playing the bass violins." I think it had some double meaning about National Socialism).

Anyway...we are privileged in our life to meet a number of folks from around the world. And for some reason I always feel compelled to try out a few words of their language on them, whether I am vaguely close to knowing it or not. It's so much more effective when my children are around, because the nervous coughing and foot shuffling spurs me on..."Hola! Meine Name ist Carla...joie de Vivre!" Maybe I'll throw in a little finger-spelling just to be on the safe side. And then...it's time for me to sing the "Drei Chinesen" song! I know everyone appreciates an American slaughtering their language a bit from time to time. I know my kids really do.

Well, my faithful followers of all things Sanders, I only mention the few things that I am vaguely aware of in my arsenal of humiliation. I have not asked my children for any contributions, because that would embarrass them. Wait...what am I doing...excuse me as I go track them down one by one and ask them to become my Blog Followers...I'll let you know later how that goes....