So, Tell Me...How Do You Stay Married So Long?

31 years of connubial bliss. Yes, folks, it is possible to have a perfect marriage like ours. All this talk about how marriages are hard, how they take work, how you never can never achieve the heights...well, those people are just trying to sell you their book or get you to fork over lots of money for their "Marriage Excitement and Revival Conference" weekend. (Speaking of which...registration for the "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat" will be opening up next week...early bird registration will get you half-price off the fee of $1000!)

The secret? You want the secret? Oh, sure...and for free, I suppose.

Well, OK. But realize that this is just the teaser. If you want the whole tamale, you'll need to sign up for our workshop at the Lanham Red Roof Inn (continental breakfast included!).

Here's just some of the inside scoop on how the two of us have achieved Zen-like levels of happiness and cooperation in this state of what some call "matrimony."

1. Our courtship was characterized by romance. Romance and breakups. Reconciliation and romance. And then breakups. And then reconciliation...breakup...romance and/or reconciliation  In other words--spontaneity. Very important for a fresh relationship.

2. Communication is key to a happy marriage. What I mean by this is that we talk constantly and do a pretty good job at pretending we are interested in what the other person is saying. I find that it takes hours in front of the mirror in my bathroom to get that look of  "My, that's fascinating! Tell me more about that conference on Calvinism you just came back from!" just right. But it's worth it when I see the faux enthusiasm my husband drums up over my blog.

3. We agreed we wanted four children. So we had four children. We wanted two boys and two girls. And a horse. (OK, I guess it was me who wanted the horse.) So we had two boys and two girls (but no horse). See how that works? You MUST agree on what you want.

4. Four children are important because you each need someone to go on the rides with at Disney World. We agreed on that.

5. We never took our kids to Disney World. (shhh....I think I just heard sirens....it's the PARENTING COPS! They'll never take me alive...TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!)

6. OK, I think I'm getting off topic here...let's try again...

7. Money is a huge issue in marriage. Even bigger than sex. If you have more sex than money, though, things work out. Try it.

8. The couple that prays together stays together. Only, when you marry a theology professor, it gets complicated. After getting corrected about my views on supralapsarianism a few too many times during "couples devotions,"  I decided it's better to pray in private. I let him do his thing, and I do mine. I pray for him to see things my way.

9.  Celebrations are key to a happy spousal condition. Celebrate not only big days like birthdays and anniversaries, but little things...like that fact that you really DIDN'T flush your car keys down the toilet at the gas station after all. And that you caught that guy in the garage before he stole anything. And that your Windstar van still has a working glove compartment after all these years. Celebrations can be as lavish as a four-course dinner at your favorite restaurant, or  as simple as watching the sun go down together from the impound lot as you wait for your car to be released.

10. And finally (actually, NOT finally! There's more! So MUCH more if you come to our "Sanders Perfect Marriage Retreat!" Sign up now!!)...I said FINALLY...

     Tell your spouse you love them every day. Preferably several times a day. Call them early in the morning when they are away at a conference. Then late at night. Text them during their business meetings. Leave them notes in their car, in their sandwich you pack for their lunch, in their wallet, on their rear view mirror, in their shoe, stuffed in their coat sleeves, under their windshield wiper. And then, leave long, rambling intimate phone messages on their business line. Nothing is too good for your spouse. Hire someone to keep an eye on them when you can't be there. Not that you don't trust them...I didn't say that...it's just that, you know. You can't be everywhere at once! And they need to KNOW you love them!

Well, I realize this is just too, too tantalizing, and you will be lining up outside the doors of the Mark Sanford Conference room at the motel next week in eager anticipation of MORE helpful hints from us. Have your Perfect Marriage notebooks all primed and ready--see you there!

Pull'm Up, Cover'm Up, Bring'm Down!

 A few months ago I ran across an article in our local neighborhood paper that struck me with its unique angle on a perplexing problem. We have lived in urban neighborhoods for most of our married lives, and this particular habit on the part of young males is admittedly something my generation would never have dreamed of, with our broad white belts and bellbottoms. Yes...I'm talking about the dreaded Droopy Pants Syndrome.

As part of the first Pull ‘Em Up campaign, the Take Charge Foundation program is leading a belt drive at 13 locations across the county where people can donate new or gently used belts that will be used to make students’ pants sit at their waists.

Take Charge Executive Director Jerrod Mustaf said the goal of the belt drive is to “modify the culture of young people who believe it’s cool to wear the pants that are sagging.” 

Now, when my boys were little, we occasionally had this problem because they tended not to develop a waist very early in life. A little 'plumber's crack' was always a lurking danger for them as they clambered up and down play equipment--but face it--that was kinda cute, right? Fat little bottoms--cheeky little things--

I digress. The "Pull'm Up" campaign in our local county has been collecting belts to distribute to young men who apparently cannot afford to buy a proper pair of suspenders for their oversize jeans. They don't have a lot of cash left over after laying out a couple hundred bucks for the newest Jordans, you know. OK, maybe the belt thing is just a symbol...but really--can you imagine the reaction from a teenager to having some old  guy or woman hand them a belt and beg them to "pull those pants up!" ? I don't know...it just seems to my feeble mind that the reason they do this is because

IT BUGS THE OLD PEOPLE!!

Personally, I'm just grateful they wear boxers under their pants, or things would be a whole lot scarier out there.

So--in honor of this Noble Drive to Improve Humanity, I set before you two new initiatives that I will  personally be heading up.

1. "Cover'm Up!"

It has come to my attention that many women (sadly, even from my own generation) cannot seem to afford enough material to cover their 'womanly assets' on top, if you catch my drift. The tragedy of over-filled blouses is causing me great pain, and I am hoping to be able to fill some of this need by taking up a collection of dickeys (remember them? anybody??). I feel every woman should have access to quality dickeys (mock turtlenecks, polo collars, etc.) and use them whenever the circumstances demand MORE MATERIAL.


Also acceptable is a nice lace handkerchief safety-pinned discreetly in place.





2. "Bring'm Down!"

My heart is heavy for the multitudes of young women who are so destitute that they are unable to afford dresses long enough to cover their posterior regions. Will you join with me in a heart-felt drive to give these poor children several inches of material that they can attach to the bottom edges of their insubstantial skirts? The thermal chills experienced by these dear waifs is unimaginable to those of us with our generous clothing allowances. Will you help? Will you personally take charge of one of these young, sweet things and volunteer to sew on 3 or 4 inches of life-saving cotton blend? Your intervention could save a life.



Please don't think of me as a hero. I'm just an everyday citizen who cares. Will you join me in my fight for a Warmer America,? When all of us pull together, we can raise (and lower) great things!