Parenting Surprises: Or What Being a Mom Has Taught Me (So Far)

So, blog-fans, it's time for me to start writing my next book, and what could be more appropriate (and best-selling!) than a book on Parenting! I can see my new hardcover now--the dustjacket will have a photo of me sitting in my rocking chair with a faint halo around my graying head, holding flowers and a card or some such thing. I think the title

should  be...let's see..."They Shall Rise Up and Call Her Blessed: How to Raise Children Who Adore You." Yep. And the back flyleaf of the dustjacket will read,

 "Carla lives with her husband, 2 cats, 3 rats, 5 fish, 6 hissing cockroaches and a bunch of bumming porch squirrels near Washington D.C. She has four beautiful, successful children who worship the ground she walks on  and thank God every day for the lessons she instilled in them from infancy."

They will not be allowed to contribute any quotes at all, of course. Some things are best left unsaid.

I am highly qualified to give advice.  I and my husband have managed to reproduce ourselves four times. That alone should give me instant gravitas (right? right??) They truly are miracles, each and every one--I have had Type 1 Diabetes since young adulthood, and having children was a task usually left to healthier women. God saw me through four amazingly healthy pregnancies and deliveries despite my poor obedience to very intrusive doctors (and a few strangers with lots of advice). They are all now 21 years and up, which makes me an "older mother," I believe. And all older mothers can tell you what to do with yourself and your children. It's a Parenting Right.

And none of my kids are in jail or in the National Enquirer (yet).

I guess technically the following is not exactly advice per se. You'll have to just kinda suck the marrow out of the bones, so to speak. (I do so love a good metaphor...)

This list is dedicated to my children--you know who you are, and you know how much I love you.

I was surprised to find out...

• That I'd have to say "calm down...you'll be fine..." so often. Each kid has different frustration levels, but from skinned knees to bullies to bad job interviews, life throws so many problems at them-- I didn't know how hard it would be to help them deal with that. I'm philosophically opposed to difficulty. It just should not BE there. I understand that. I agree that stamping your feet and screaming feels good in these situations, but may not be acceptable in front of a board meeting.

• That I needed to tell myself the same thing a LOT.

• That I'd develop a whole new taste in music. My kids run scared thinking I'll like something they like. I'm stalking them by listening to their IPods. And when they hear me play the same thing on Pandora, they kinda panic. "Oh, no...Mom's listening to [name a current group or person]. Can't be cool any more."

• That I'd be able to stay up all night very, very often, and not self-destruct the next day. Walking a colicky baby, helping with overdue school projects, taking care of sick pets,  having heart palpitations from their adult problems... I am finally realizing it doesn't mean the next day is lost. Just a little woozy

• That it would make me fall in love with my husband all over again. Watching him cuddle the baby, cheer for his boys at a baseball game, tutor a frustrated daughter through a math assignment, discuss the theology of everyday life with my young adults and their friends--he shows me continually what self sacrifice looks like and what a real man is. AND I enjoy flirting with him in front of the kids to see them all squirm. 

• That is would make me fatter than I ever imagined I could be. My baby belly came and stayed. I should include it in the family album. It's become like a 7th family member.

• That I'd never regret missing a career I never could pin down anyway. (Cowgirl...actress...forest ranger...oh, well...)

• That I'd pass on the strangest likes and dislikes. They (mostly) don't like nuts, coconut, lemon, reality shows and shoe shopping. They (mostly) like odd animals like rats and snakes, thrift store-ing and old movies. I'm hoping they also like honesty, consistency, family, faith and tradition. Time will tell.

• That they all think I'm kinda funny. "Oh, mom...you are so spontaneous [smirk]." (I have to be careful not to let them see me dance. Only in the kitchen when EVERYONE is somewhere else.)

• That kids really can learn to want to please me; and how much it hurts them when I'm not pleased. The power of my disapproval is much stronger than I realize. I need to wield it carefully. With great power comes great responsibility. (yeah, Spiderman!)

• That each child has their own communication style. Some want to talk to you every day and share their news. Others are fine just touching base every few weeks--just to make sure you are still there and still love them. And it's all ok. The love cord stays tight and strong if there is trust between you. The key is to restrain myself from harassing the less-communicative ones--it results in  communicating even less. I just request that they drop me a postcard when they get married. 

• That sometimes your kid will make more money than you right out of the gate. Somehow it doesn't seem fair...I just always warn them that I'll be coming for a loan soon.

• That someone else's kid will always be more successful in school, more good-looking, more popular, more successful in their career. It's annoying. But no one else's kid will make you prouder than your own. Even when all they get are "Participant" ribbons.

• That I'd never win any awards for this mothering thing. Come to think of it, I'd like a nice, big "Participant" ribbon for even attempting this whole business. Oh, wait a minute. Come to think of it, I do have this mug...

Old Woman Suddenly Becomes Trendy Again--Details at 7

Yes--I am now on the cutting edge of fashion and social trends.

 There is a rap song currently making the rounds called "Thrift Shop" that my kids directed me to...and what a revelation! I understand that it has been around since last summer, but as usual, I am late to the game (I pride myself on being a "late adapter"). I and my family have been hard-core Thrift Store connoisseurs every since 1981; please check out my previous post on "A Thrift Store Christmas" to see first-hand the evidence that I am way ahead of this trend, dudes and dudettes. (Oh--and for that matter, the setting of the post "Mom Misadventures #1.") Here's the "artiste" author Macklemore commenting on his creation...

 "Rappers talk about, oh I buy this and I buy that, and I spend this much money and I make it rain, and this type of champagne and painting the club, and this is the kind of record that's the exact opposite," he explained. "It's the polar opposite of it. It's kind of standing for like let's save some money, let's keep some money away, let's spend as little as possible and look as fresh as possible at the same time."

Well, I'm sorry, young man, but we've been down with that whole world view for years already. Welcome to our universe.

Here, set forth for your enjoyment, are the lyrics (slightly altered for more sensitive souls)--


Thrift Shop Rap (by Macklemore and Lewis) 

What, what, what, what, what....

I’m gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket
I, I, I’m hunting,
 lookin’ for a
come-up
This is [most tremendously] awesome.

Walk into the club like what up, [I am very excited!]
I’m so pumped, I bought some [interesting things] from a thrift shop
Ice in the fridge is so [SO] frosty,
The people like “[Wow], that’s a cold [trendy white person]."
Rollin’ in [very] deep, headed to the mezzanine
Dressed in all pink, except my gator shoes, those are green.
Draped in a leopard mink girls standin’ next to me
Probably should have washed this, it smells like [something not desirable]
Pissssssssssssss.
But [doggone it], it was 99 cents.
If I get caught in it, washin’ it,
‘Bout to go and get some compliments passin’ off in those moccasins
Someone else has been walkin’ in, but me and grungie [really styling] ‘em
I am stuck in a closet and savin’ my money 
And I’m [awfully terribly] happy, that’s a bargain, [young lady.] 

Imma take it grandpa style, imma take it grandpa style,
No, for real I asked your grandpa, can I have his hand-me-downs?
Velour suit and some house slippers,
[Strangely] brown leather jacket that I found diggin’.
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a ski blanket, then I bought an kneeboard.
Hello, hello, my ace man, my mello
John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my friends game,
Hello!
I can take some pro wings make ‘em cool, sell those

The sneaker heads will be like 
“Ah he got the Velcro!"

I’m gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket
I, I, I’m hunting, lookin’ for a come-up
This is [breathtakingly] awesome. 

What??? [that's my own "what." I like to write rap lyrics sometimes.]

FURTHER COOLNESS FACTOR...

And really now...Michelle and her bangs. Well, I've been rockin' those babies since grade school! Haven't failed me yet. She only WISHES she had been on it sooner when she saw my fashion trajectory.

Yo, world at large! Keep an eye on THIS momma! She's the one setting the trends from now on! (Prepare for "book piles" as home fashion accessories, and "baggy at the knees" sweatpants on the red carpet at the Oscars.)