Exercise is for Lazy People

You know what's wrong with exercise? It goes against my grain to do activity without any point to it (other than wearing myself out). I'm from good, solid Swedish-Irish farming stock, and I certainly can't imagine my grampa in gym shorts riding on a bicycle that didn't go anywhere. Or my gramma in a hot-pink jogging outfit "sweatin' to the oldies."

Why do you run? Are you running from something? If there's a wolf chasing you, then run. Otherwise...stand still and appreciate the fact you aren't a rabbit.

What's with this "lifting weights" thing? Don't you have any hay bales to move around from the truck to the hayloft? How about putting those pecs into use with a wheelbarrow and a load of fresh cow manure? What a waste.

And don't get me started on Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, Jazzercise, Tai Chi, Kickboxing, Interval Training, Aerobics, Stepping, Spinning, Bouncing, Gliding, Falling off Parallel Bars or Sweating in front of a Gym Mirror. What in the WORLD have you accomplished by all this foolishness? Is your house any cleaner, your garden any more productive, or your pasture less poopy? No!

In this most helpful post, gentle readers, I will suggest new work-out ideas for those of us who can't stand to think of all that time and muscle wasted on unproductive activity.

Top Ten Workouts for People Who Hate to Exercise  (And Don't Live on a Farm):

10. Walking to the Mailbox. (Best done if you have a mile-long driveway. Just install it a few blocks away, if necessary.)

9. Running after a City Bus (Be sure to wave your arms vigorously to engage those deltoids.)

8. Looking for your Toddler Under Clothing Racks in the Mall (Deep knee bends, arm stretches, vocalizing exercises.)

7. Scrubbing your Kitchen Floor on Your Hands and Knees (Protective knee pads required; also a helmet may be useful to prevent injury from forgetful moments around open cupboard doors.)

6. Chasing a Bat Around Your Living Room (Although rare, a great opportunity for aerobics and ducking.)

5. Falling Down the Stairs While Holding a Laundry Basket (Balance, footwork, First Aid practice.)

4. Picking Up Doggy Doo in the Yard (Lots of stretching; facial exercise while grimacing.)

3. Taking that Same Dog for a Walk (You know, that dog of yours that never has learned the idea of "heel?" Really watch your heart rate here.)

2. Pushing a Disabled Car off the Road  (Out of gas? You get extra points for walking to a gas station along a freeway.)

And...Number 1: Shoveling 22 Inches of Snow off the Sidewalk and Driveway (best accomplished in a Minnesota setting, but probably the Gold Standard of Scandinavian exercise routines).

I currently am  in the beginning stages of a workout regime consisting of standing up and walking to the basement every 30 minutes or so. This, of course, is to get something--NOT just to stand up and walk! I get lots of chances to practice this move, since half the time I've forgotten why I came down to the basement in the first place. There are advantages to aging, occasionally.

So, I encourage each of you to find one activity that is both healthful and useful. Write in and let me know what you come up with.  Then I'll make a video out of it, and make lots of money! (I promise I won't put a photo of myself on the cover in Spandex, though. That would definitely depress sales.)