Real Life Cooking Tips...Learned the Hard Way

I'm gonna go all "Martha Stewart" on you now, and offer some cooking tips for all those out there who don't have Martha Stewart's money or staff. Or hopefully her prison record.

I know our First Lady is really pressing the "nutrition" angle right now, but let's be honest--how many of us have the room or the energy for a vegetable garden? Or a private chef to cook those said vegetables into something our kids will even consider eating?

Raising four kids on a very limited budget develops the imagination in culinary arts. Or in other words--ya gotta make it do. The following recommendations are real, hard-won lessons learned in the trenches of motherhood while the bullets of low income whizzed over my head. Take heed to the wisdom of the Cheapest Mother Alive...


1. Feed your kids on Government Overstock food for as long as you can. If you start out giving them reconstituted dry milk and powdered eggs before they know any better, you can get by for quite a while until they catch on that the stuff is awful. (Just don't let them catch you pouring yourself real milk on the sly.)

2. Naming your meals with catchy titles like "Barf on Board" (creamed tuna over toast) makes supper more fun! But it can also backfire on you when your kids announce them to friends invited for dinner.

3. Homemade macaroni and cheese is just an excuse to use up lots of perfectly good cheddar that should be used on crackers while watching a movie. The box stuff is plenty good enough for family consumption, and can be pimped out with tuna. Lots and lots of tuna.

4. Did I mention tuna as a valuable resource?

5. Waking up in the morning to the smell of cold cereal and milk just can't be beat.

6. Have you ever tried tuna in canned spaghetti sauce over noodles? Really good. And so much cheaper than that fancy white fish or salmon stuff.

7. When making stir fry, be sure to use corn starch for a thickener in the sauce. Baking soda tends to explode.

8. When making homemade pizza in Australia, be aware that "tomato sauce" is their name for ketchup. (OK, this tip is for when you aren't so poor anymore and can afford to go to Australia. I'm stretching it here.)

9. A store-bought cake for your birthday needs to be eaten on a timely basis unless you plan to use it for your kid's science project.






10. Don't be shy about trying store brand items at the grocery store. For my money, "Potted Meat Product" is as good as "Spam" any day.

Someday, when you have money again, you can think about things like "arugula" or "fresh fruit" and other exotics. In the meantime, have a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys for supper and dream of a better future. Happy cooking!